Baby Girl

This is my baby girl Zoe. I've had her since she was 4 years old (she's now 14) and her old owners couldn't keep her anymore. She's been the best friend and companion anybody could ask for. Her other name is "Shadow", because she's always just one step behind me, my own little furry shadow.

My heart is sad. I have to take her to the vet. She's got bad joints and has had her entire life, but now she's deaf as well. And I think dementia is starting to set in, she's started walking around in circles and gets scared if I take her out of her normal surroundings, which is sad as this dog has travelled up and down the east coast of Australia with me many times. She's gone out in the ocean in little tinnies and 7 metre boats & swam in reefs, beaches and lakes all over the place. As long as we've got a bottle of water & a packet of biscuits, we're set! (People biscuits, not doggy. She doesn't mind being a people, but I have a problem with being a dog. Go figure.)

I know I have to take her but I'm scared. I won't keep her alive if they tell me that she's in pain but I'm being an ostrich & hiding my head in the sand. And I feel terrible for it, it's not always about me, sometimes I need to put others first, especially a creature that is totally dependent on me and trusts me absolutely, how can I let her suffer? How can I let her go?

There have been times in my life that this dog has saved my sanity, a look from those eyes and a snuffle with her fluffy nose when I'm sad and I feel better. This creature truly loves me and I truly love her, unconditionally.

My brother has offered to do it for me, but I can't do that to her either, she deserves to have me hold her till the end, she's given me total devotion throughout her life. I just don't know how to do it. I'm getting tears in my eyes just typing this.

I probably sound a bit stupid, she's a dog, not a person, but to me she's another of my babies. One that should be able to be with me forever. God life sucks. And so does age.

Bad Mummy

I've been checking out a few blogs lately, just cruising around & having a read and some of the blogs have been mummy blogs, chatting about the whole experience. They are beautifully written, lots of funny moments etc, but damn, these guys seem to go a bit overboard with the whole baby thing.

I adore my daughter, she's the most important thing in the world to me. Don't get me wrong, she's also the only person in the world who can get me from calm, cool and collected to raging homicidal maniac in 3 seconds flat. But I still love her heaps, I even like her sometimes! I work with government engineers and even they don't get me as angry as she can, and they can be seriously frustrating and child-like, trust me.

But I never went around the house bubble wrapping the pot belly stove, buying cooking utensils for the sole use of cooking the organic baby food to avoid contamination (contamination from what? The child's mother" The one who's finger [an extremely dirty appendage] the child sucks?) or counting the hours that I spend conversing one on one with her to ensure that her language and social skills are developing properly and enrolling her in all sorts of classes/groups to create a social network for her. Before she can speak.

When I first starting reading some of these I started feeling a bit of a failure. Bad mummy. I actually enjoyed having time away from my baby. I STILL enjoy having time away from her and it's not like I have to spoon feed her anymore. It helps me appreciate those special times we do have together. And I'm a firm believer in rolling all small children in dirt to build up their immune system. If they kiss the dog I'm more likely to wash the dog's mouth out to stop the child making the dog sick. Actually, I have told the Monster on occasions that the dog treats me better than she does. And it's true!

I don't know why, but this thing bothers me. All I can think of is a bunch of controlled little grown ups, with no immune system or common sense or real life experiences. Maybe I'm just projecting because I still feel guilty. I'd say so. I'd have to say that'd be the overriding emotion mothers experience. The guilt of not getting it right.

I still prefer the way I've raised mine, I'm not scared or nervous about how she'll handle life. She lives it everyday, the pretty bits and the ugly ones. With a mother like me she gets plenty of the ugly bits to balance out the pretty.

See, I am a good mummy, I provide a life balance!

I can justify just about anything, must be the public servant in me.

Sick

I'm sick. Seriously. Like, I can't breathe too well at the moment sick. That's why I've been quiet.

My dog's loving it, mummy's laying in the one place ALL DAY. Her world is complete as long as she knows where I am. Makes me feel wanted.

My brain does not work too well at the moment, fog everywhere. Funny what lack of oxygen can do for you. I feel like I need someone to hold me upside down & bash me front & back to clear all the gunk. Where does it come from, seriously?!?!

Back at work, of course, the bills must be paid, but I'm really only a presence here, I'm not achieving much of anything. Good thing I work for the Government, I don't think anyone has noticed just yet.

Old joke:
Why don't they let public servants look out of the window in the morning?
'Cause then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
Sometimes this is true.

Anyway, I'll make an effort later, all I want to do now is go home & sleep some more. With the dog leaning on the bed staring at me. Like I said, makes me feel wanted.

The Weekend Prize

It's the Weekend!

Yay!!!

I love the weekend now. I remember when I was an at home mum, doing my partner's accounts and raising the kid/stepkids with him. I didn't realise how lucky I was.

Don't get me wrong, stay at home mums work their butt off. I was always doing something, either in the house or in the garden. I even used to make fancy birthday cakes! What a domestic goddess.

I really loved it, I loved the whole nurturing thing, the ability to be creative and organise my own time. The only person I had to answer to was the Unfaithful One, who was always appreciative of my efforts, and would praise me publicly all the time. Probably the reason I stayed with him for so long!

But now I'm working in the real world, 8am-5pm, Monday to Friday, the weekend has regained it's value. At first I was seriously resentful of the demands work made of me, I kept saying how unfair it was that I didn't have enough time in the week to do everything I wanted to.

It took me about 12 months to realise that maybe my priorities were the problem, not the work I had to do in order to finance my life. Being a domestic goddess and the best cake baking mum in the school year were maybe NOT the most important things in my life. Maybe that wasn't what my child was going to remember when she looked back on the happy moments of her childhood. Maybe she would remember the ranting, raving, lunatic mother who was running around trying to make everything perfect as a BAD thing. In hindsight, I realised that I was making myself miserable and in turn making my daughter miserable trying to create something that wasn't real.

So I let go. And in letting go, I've discovered the good things about working. And one of them is the precious weekend and public holidays. Aussie's love public holidays, almost as much as we love having a sickie. Which is another thing that I found again! There's something special about ripping off the boss. Kind of like posting on your blog on a quiet Friday afternoon before opening the social club bar for knock off drinks.

Can you see how working adds so much value to my life?

New Adventures

I'm the mother of a 15 year old. Weird.

She's taller than me, has bigger feet than me & pinches my bra. Because mine are prettier than hers. I've always brought her boring old cotton ones as I believe strongly kids should be kids, not sexualised but I think I'm coming to the point where I'm going to have to recognise that she might not be a little girl anymore (sigh).

It's not that I mind getting older, I reckon I'm like a fine wine, I get better with age, more confident and comfortable in my own skin. It's just that I only have one child. I've got a few stepsons from a previous relationship, who I love dearly, but only one little girl & she's not that anymore.

I'm just a little bit sad, in another 5 years she'll be gone. She's already distancing herself socially, I don't see her all day Sunday, she works 2 nights a week collecting trolleys for Woolworths and with all the other things she does I only cook dinner about 3 times a week, the rest of the time is leftovers or takeaway. Great in a way, I get time to sit in the hammock & read a good book with a glass of wine and so on but still kind of sad.

On the other hand, I really can start to plan the rest of my life. My 20's were filled with caring for my mum who had diabetes and kidney failure, The Monster as a baby & my ex-partner's kids, house, business & ex-wife (hmmm, another story), my 30's with the mega break-up and sea-change move up north, establishing myself once again. Now my little girl is establishing her independence, I can be a little bit selfish and start doing things just for ME!

I'm starting by having a HUGE 40^th birthday next year, hiring a private house on it's own beach over on the island & inviting lots of people to party for the entire weekend. It will be expensive, it will be stupid and it will be filled with lots of alcohol etc. And maybe a BBQ here & there to soak up all the alcohol & etc. It will be like an 18^th without having to behave in front of Nan. As a matter of fact, the oldest person there will be 45yrs old, so there won't be any oldies telling us it's about time to grow up. I'm personally using it as a spring board to regress. Whoo Hoo!!!!!

So bugger off sadness, it's time to start another adventure!

Please be Gentle

I just had a look at my past blogs, now that I've posted a whole 7 posts on my blog.

Man, you would never think I work in administration, that editing is shocking!

All I can say is it's my first time. Please be gentle. I'll try harder next time, I promise.

Mud Bug

We have a new toy!

And what a toy!!

It's really a beautician's tool, used for mudbaths and vibrating all that cellulite off while doing doughnuts in the mud.

Oh, and also decorating all other dirt bikes and buggies that are brave enough to come close

Any other suggestions?