Sunset No 2

Well, I don't know what's been going on, but I've been trying to attach this photo for 2 days and it just won't play!

Well, it wouldn't play, but now apparently it's OK. Mum must have given permission to play today. Maybe I Google was grounded because it didn't do it's chores properly. I don't care, just check out this pretty picture, it's stunning.

Out of Africa

After that pretty sad post, I just thought of something.

A friend has just returned from South Africa, and he brought back some amazing photos.

I'll post the other sunset in a separate post. I don't know why, but this silly thing won't let me post more than one photo?!?!

Never mind, an excuse for another post!

Something

I'm determined to blog every day through the week.

Trouble is, I'm not sure what to write about! But I have been told by a writer type that if I start to discipline myself and write SOMETHING every day, doesn't matter what, just something, that I will start to get a flow going (sounds a bit like my period, I don't want to do that every week day!).

So here's something. Or nothing. Whatever.

Lazy Sunday

I had a lovely day on Sunday. I ran around like a chook with it's head cut off on Saturday, driving the monster to a drama workshop (like she needs help there!) and to work (proud mamma!!) and doing all that boring housey stuff. Necessary evil, but there it is.

Then I was invited to a 40th birthday party on Saturday night. Being the party animal that I am, of course I said yes & was off, with the tent packed in the car (in case of drunken excess, sensible pissedness, you know), sleeping bags, warm PJ's (it was out in cattle country, it sometimes drops below 20 degrees out there, that's cold for us tropical cane toads). Once I got there, I wanted to go home. I needed a quiet weekend at home. I just seem to have a problem with saying "NO". I think I get flattered that someone wants to play with me (how pathetic). Can you tell I wasn't the popular kid at school?

Anyway, we were back home by 10.30pm. Usually the time I get started, but I was very happy to be home. So were my puppies. I still have my black fluffy Zoe, we're still hanging in there. As long as I don't take her out of her comfort zone she's all good. And I can relate to that, I like hanging in my comfort zone when I'm feeling fragile too.

So I woke up on Sunday morning in a state of mild panic. I've had so much on lately that I didn't know what to do with myself, the housework was done and no-one was expecting me anywhere, ALL DAY!!!! So I got up & grabbed a ciggy & my book & laid back down for a couple of hours. I even had a cat nap in there. LUXURY. Then I got up, walked in circles for a bit, threw the dog's toys around the yard for a while, dyed my hair, shaved my legs, tormented the kid & watched a really crap old movie on TV. Just what I needed. To top it off, my cousin & his partner invited us out to their place for a quiet family BBQ, so off we went, to watch the sunset through the gum trees & listening to the birds singing goodnight. BLISS.

I need to say no more often and have a few more Sundays like yesterday.

It's All About ME!!!

So, I've been spurred on by reading other people's blogs recently. It's reminded me why I started this journey, I'd kind of forgotten & gotten lazy.

This blog is all about ME. Me and my life, my loves, my people and my places. It is something for me to express myself in. I think that scares me a little bit. I think that might even be why I stopped for a bit. I didn't know how to express myself. Something many would find unbelievable, as I can be a rather loud person who talks LOTS.

But here goes, I'm going to try to discipline myself to blog at least 3 times a week to get myself into the habit. I need this, I internalise too much stuff & become a bit of a basket case sometimes and that's not a good thing, for me or my monster. How can I teach her to be a whole person, happy with her decisions and living her life to the fullest when I don't? Monkey see, monkey do. Scary.

I don't even know if I want a huge following (optimistic, aint I?!?!), I just want to play.

Anyway, this is just the start, although it is Friday arvo & I don't have the internet hooked up at home (has to be some perks at work) so I won't be able to post until Monday again. But that's OK, I'm going to TRY to blog 3 times a week, if it doesn't happen, I'm not going to crucify myself. There's enough people out there that'll do that for me.

I've been reading an amazing blog, "reluctantmemsahib", a lady living in the boonies in Africa. I'd set up a link, but I'm still webblog illiterate, I've got a bit more learning to do. Bugger it, if you can find my blog, get on google & look up hers, you don't need a link, stop being lazy! So I can be!! Her writing is great, not too soppy but very real. And the pictures of Africa are out of this world. I'm a bit jealous actually, I want to run away & live in a cave one day and despite all the hardships she goes through (and she puts up with a lot), I'd love to live in the middle of no where. But that's probably because I'm not a pedicure type of lady. I wish I was sometimes, but I can be a bit blokey, you know, don't go all drama queen on me, and so on. My daughter hates that, and I hate that I can't really get into the groove of all that girly stuff either. Although I did just go down the street with a girlfriend to get a kebab for lunch and stopped at a boutique & brought a BEAUTIFUL strapless dress with flowers on it. So maybe I am a bit of a girl, full of contradictions. A man would agree with that comment.

Anyway, as it is Friday arvo, and I run the social club bar at work, I'd better go & stock up the fridges, make sure there's enough coolers & heat up the cocktail frankfurts (to soak up the excess alcohol, sensible alcoholic service here you know). I've had an interesting week at work, so I really NEED that bourbon & coke. So everyone have a good weekend, I know I will!

Baby Girl

This is my baby girl Zoe. I've had her since she was 4 years old (she's now 14) and her old owners couldn't keep her anymore. She's been the best friend and companion anybody could ask for. Her other name is "Shadow", because she's always just one step behind me, my own little furry shadow.

My heart is sad. I have to take her to the vet. She's got bad joints and has had her entire life, but now she's deaf as well. And I think dementia is starting to set in, she's started walking around in circles and gets scared if I take her out of her normal surroundings, which is sad as this dog has travelled up and down the east coast of Australia with me many times. She's gone out in the ocean in little tinnies and 7 metre boats & swam in reefs, beaches and lakes all over the place. As long as we've got a bottle of water & a packet of biscuits, we're set! (People biscuits, not doggy. She doesn't mind being a people, but I have a problem with being a dog. Go figure.)

I know I have to take her but I'm scared. I won't keep her alive if they tell me that she's in pain but I'm being an ostrich & hiding my head in the sand. And I feel terrible for it, it's not always about me, sometimes I need to put others first, especially a creature that is totally dependent on me and trusts me absolutely, how can I let her suffer? How can I let her go?

There have been times in my life that this dog has saved my sanity, a look from those eyes and a snuffle with her fluffy nose when I'm sad and I feel better. This creature truly loves me and I truly love her, unconditionally.

My brother has offered to do it for me, but I can't do that to her either, she deserves to have me hold her till the end, she's given me total devotion throughout her life. I just don't know how to do it. I'm getting tears in my eyes just typing this.

I probably sound a bit stupid, she's a dog, not a person, but to me she's another of my babies. One that should be able to be with me forever. God life sucks. And so does age.

Bad Mummy

I've been checking out a few blogs lately, just cruising around & having a read and some of the blogs have been mummy blogs, chatting about the whole experience. They are beautifully written, lots of funny moments etc, but damn, these guys seem to go a bit overboard with the whole baby thing.

I adore my daughter, she's the most important thing in the world to me. Don't get me wrong, she's also the only person in the world who can get me from calm, cool and collected to raging homicidal maniac in 3 seconds flat. But I still love her heaps, I even like her sometimes! I work with government engineers and even they don't get me as angry as she can, and they can be seriously frustrating and child-like, trust me.

But I never went around the house bubble wrapping the pot belly stove, buying cooking utensils for the sole use of cooking the organic baby food to avoid contamination (contamination from what? The child's mother" The one who's finger [an extremely dirty appendage] the child sucks?) or counting the hours that I spend conversing one on one with her to ensure that her language and social skills are developing properly and enrolling her in all sorts of classes/groups to create a social network for her. Before she can speak.

When I first starting reading some of these I started feeling a bit of a failure. Bad mummy. I actually enjoyed having time away from my baby. I STILL enjoy having time away from her and it's not like I have to spoon feed her anymore. It helps me appreciate those special times we do have together. And I'm a firm believer in rolling all small children in dirt to build up their immune system. If they kiss the dog I'm more likely to wash the dog's mouth out to stop the child making the dog sick. Actually, I have told the Monster on occasions that the dog treats me better than she does. And it's true!

I don't know why, but this thing bothers me. All I can think of is a bunch of controlled little grown ups, with no immune system or common sense or real life experiences. Maybe I'm just projecting because I still feel guilty. I'd say so. I'd have to say that'd be the overriding emotion mothers experience. The guilt of not getting it right.

I still prefer the way I've raised mine, I'm not scared or nervous about how she'll handle life. She lives it everyday, the pretty bits and the ugly ones. With a mother like me she gets plenty of the ugly bits to balance out the pretty.

See, I am a good mummy, I provide a life balance!

I can justify just about anything, must be the public servant in me.