Baby Girl

This is my baby girl Zoe. I've had her since she was 4 years old (she's now 14) and her old owners couldn't keep her anymore. She's been the best friend and companion anybody could ask for. Her other name is "Shadow", because she's always just one step behind me, my own little furry shadow.

My heart is sad. I have to take her to the vet. She's got bad joints and has had her entire life, but now she's deaf as well. And I think dementia is starting to set in, she's started walking around in circles and gets scared if I take her out of her normal surroundings, which is sad as this dog has travelled up and down the east coast of Australia with me many times. She's gone out in the ocean in little tinnies and 7 metre boats & swam in reefs, beaches and lakes all over the place. As long as we've got a bottle of water & a packet of biscuits, we're set! (People biscuits, not doggy. She doesn't mind being a people, but I have a problem with being a dog. Go figure.)

I know I have to take her but I'm scared. I won't keep her alive if they tell me that she's in pain but I'm being an ostrich & hiding my head in the sand. And I feel terrible for it, it's not always about me, sometimes I need to put others first, especially a creature that is totally dependent on me and trusts me absolutely, how can I let her suffer? How can I let her go?

There have been times in my life that this dog has saved my sanity, a look from those eyes and a snuffle with her fluffy nose when I'm sad and I feel better. This creature truly loves me and I truly love her, unconditionally.

My brother has offered to do it for me, but I can't do that to her either, she deserves to have me hold her till the end, she's given me total devotion throughout her life. I just don't know how to do it. I'm getting tears in my eyes just typing this.

I probably sound a bit stupid, she's a dog, not a person, but to me she's another of my babies. One that should be able to be with me forever. God life sucks. And so does age.

Bad Mummy

I've been checking out a few blogs lately, just cruising around & having a read and some of the blogs have been mummy blogs, chatting about the whole experience. They are beautifully written, lots of funny moments etc, but damn, these guys seem to go a bit overboard with the whole baby thing.

I adore my daughter, she's the most important thing in the world to me. Don't get me wrong, she's also the only person in the world who can get me from calm, cool and collected to raging homicidal maniac in 3 seconds flat. But I still love her heaps, I even like her sometimes! I work with government engineers and even they don't get me as angry as she can, and they can be seriously frustrating and child-like, trust me.

But I never went around the house bubble wrapping the pot belly stove, buying cooking utensils for the sole use of cooking the organic baby food to avoid contamination (contamination from what? The child's mother" The one who's finger [an extremely dirty appendage] the child sucks?) or counting the hours that I spend conversing one on one with her to ensure that her language and social skills are developing properly and enrolling her in all sorts of classes/groups to create a social network for her. Before she can speak.

When I first starting reading some of these I started feeling a bit of a failure. Bad mummy. I actually enjoyed having time away from my baby. I STILL enjoy having time away from her and it's not like I have to spoon feed her anymore. It helps me appreciate those special times we do have together. And I'm a firm believer in rolling all small children in dirt to build up their immune system. If they kiss the dog I'm more likely to wash the dog's mouth out to stop the child making the dog sick. Actually, I have told the Monster on occasions that the dog treats me better than she does. And it's true!

I don't know why, but this thing bothers me. All I can think of is a bunch of controlled little grown ups, with no immune system or common sense or real life experiences. Maybe I'm just projecting because I still feel guilty. I'd say so. I'd have to say that'd be the overriding emotion mothers experience. The guilt of not getting it right.

I still prefer the way I've raised mine, I'm not scared or nervous about how she'll handle life. She lives it everyday, the pretty bits and the ugly ones. With a mother like me she gets plenty of the ugly bits to balance out the pretty.

See, I am a good mummy, I provide a life balance!

I can justify just about anything, must be the public servant in me.

Sick

I'm sick. Seriously. Like, I can't breathe too well at the moment sick. That's why I've been quiet.

My dog's loving it, mummy's laying in the one place ALL DAY. Her world is complete as long as she knows where I am. Makes me feel wanted.

My brain does not work too well at the moment, fog everywhere. Funny what lack of oxygen can do for you. I feel like I need someone to hold me upside down & bash me front & back to clear all the gunk. Where does it come from, seriously?!?!

Back at work, of course, the bills must be paid, but I'm really only a presence here, I'm not achieving much of anything. Good thing I work for the Government, I don't think anyone has noticed just yet.

Old joke:
Why don't they let public servants look out of the window in the morning?
'Cause then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
Sometimes this is true.

Anyway, I'll make an effort later, all I want to do now is go home & sleep some more. With the dog leaning on the bed staring at me. Like I said, makes me feel wanted.